New Lease on Life

 

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." -Psalm 30:5

 It's been a long time since I've written anything I feel comfortable posting. I took a freelance position with a wonderful Christian company writing book summaries and devotionals for them, and while I absolutely loved my work, unfortunately I got burned out from the stress of life and deadlines. So I took a break. I needed to find that one thing that inspired me to write again. It turns out that one thing I needed has been inside me all along. It just needed to be brought out into the open.

So I'm back. The keys under my fingers feel like long lost friends welcoming me back home. It's like a new lease on life. "It's a good thing," as Martha Stewart would say. I have been through a lot of ups and downs during my time away from blogging. My heart has really been through the ringer, especially over the past year or so. There were times when I cried myself to sleep wondering if my world would ever make sense again. More on that another time.

Because of what I went through, I was forced to stop and re-evaluate what is really important to me. Obviously, God, family, and friends are at the top of my list, but lately I have come to realize that somewhere along the way, I lost myself. Now I believe that the lessons I learned and the experiences I have gone through were never designed to break me but to make me into the person I was always meant to be in Christ.

Jesus wants His children to be free. But real freedom cannot be found in the best days of our lives. While He does bless us and want us to live in the victory He gave us on the cross, I have discovered the truest freedom comes from finding ourselves in the midst of our suffering. At first, I felt so alone. I went through such deep anguish and, at times, despair. I could not escape from it, so I did the only thing I knew to do, which was to pray. Not just once, but too many times to count. 

I have discovered that it is when we are the most desperate, in the times of suffering and weeping, that Jesus has a way of reaching us in our darkness. It isn't until our head is bowed in obedience, faith, and love that He shows up for us in a tangible way. He leaves breadcrumbs of light for us to follow. I think that is how He moves us along on our journey with Him because, let's face it, even one spark of His fire illuminates our path enough for us to move forward. Even if it's only one step at a time. As long as we move forward, we are still making progress. That is all He asks of us. To keep trusting Him when our own light is dim or fading. 

I have lived my life afraid to trust people. Terror has gripped my heart because some people have a way of banging on the walls I have put up to protect myself. We all go through times when we would rather be left alone, but some people have a way of reaching us even in the pit. These people are the ones that, I believe, Jesus sends to us when we need them the most. It's like they instinctively know we need them. So we are pulled towards them like a magnet. They are our angels on earth. 

The Lord knows who we need when we need them. If we let Him, the Spirit of God will guide us along the righteous and healing path. Unfortunately, I may have backed away from the very help I needed most. I let turbulent thoughts and emotions block my blessings. But I am human. I am flawed just like everyone else.

When my walls are held up high, I feel safe. But locked away. I now know I can not live like this anymore. Even the best defense always has a crack in it. Because of the pain I've gone through this past year, the one crack that was already there has turned into many. I know instinctively that it will take the right person to push my walls down until they crumble into dust. This terrifies me, yet it excites me at the same time. 

With the right person, all my insecurities, fears, and shame will be exposed, but I'm starting to think this is not as bad as it seems. While we do need to protect certain aspects of ourselves, we also must break away from old habits and thinking patterns that no longer serve us. We need to take a leap of faith and trust we will be caught when we fall or when we fail. Jesus knows who we need better than we do.

Months ago, there was a time when I hardened my heart. I refused to let love in because I have been hurt so badly. It was like my heart was an exposed nerve that I couldn't protect, so I shut myself down instead. I was afraid to let anyone else near me because I figured they too would hurt me. My trust in love was shattered, and I had no idea how Jesus was going to help me pick up the pieces and fix my fragile heart.

It is still a work in process, but He has shown me that I really do want to love again. I want the pure love, the true love that doesn't fade away and can never be destroyed. To any I may have hurt in this process I'm going through, I'm sorry. "Hurting people hurt people" as the saying goes. But that was never my intention. My guard was up because I know what must be protected. 

I have also discovered myself. And I think I like her. Through all the destructive thoughts and all the lies I have believed about myself and even others in the past, whether put there by the enemy or my own  thinking shrouded by trauma, I found Jesus waiting there for me all along. He is the truth that guides me, and I know without a doubt He wants me to know who I truly am in Him and His family. He needed me to find my worth. I can never thank Him enough for that.

I know now that the darkness was never sent to contain me but to set me free. Isaiah 43:2 has come alive for me. No matter what valley I go through, and what waters threaten to overtake me, He has always been there with me. He beckons us to go through the dark path, following the breadcrumbs of light, until we come out on the other side better than we were before. I just pray I can help others do the same.