Ever feel like you’re walking around in a shell of your own body? I do. I look out noticing my surroundings and the faces of people I know, but it’s like I’m observing the world through a bystander’s eyes. There are days I feel completely disconnected from people. I know I should be social and pretend everything is okay in the midst of a group, but I can only bring myself to be partly there. I don’t like relating to others like this, but I refuse to be fake.
Maybe, the observational part of me is practicing mindfulness in my own way. But, instead of sitting still and meditating, I walk and talk to the world in a different way. I admit, it gets lonely sometimes, but at least it’s real in its own way. My body and mind go to a different place, here yet not.
I can feel my feet grip the floor, my toes flex against the wood. I notice how my surroundings smell, and I zone out and really taste the food I eat. I notice things that might not seem all that significant, but for some reason they become the most important things to me, things like how I am breathing or how everything blends together into a single memorable moment in my life. I also pay attention to my thoughts, especially things I don’t understand, like my feelings or why I can’t seem to figure out what I truly want out of life.
The Bible tells us in John 8:32 “...the truth will set you free,” but though I search for my own truth, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. I know I have a higher purpose. I play a part in God’s grand plan, yet I still can’t figure out how to use the gifts He gave me to the best of my ability. I feel lost, yet not entirely. God’s light is the only point that makes sense to me. Though I am only half here on some days, I still rest in the fact that God is my home. Whenever I feel disconnected, I can take comfort in that.