Ever feel like you’re walking around in a shell of your own
body? I do. I look out noticing my
surroundings and the faces of people I know, but it’s like I’m observing the
world through a bystander’s eyes. There
are days I feel completely disconnected from people. I know I should be social and pretend
everything is okay in the midst of a group, but I can only bring myself to be
partly there. I don’t like relating to
others like this, but I refuse to be fake.
Maybe, the observational part of me is practicing
mindfulness in my own way. But, instead
of sitting still and meditating, I walk and talk to the world in a different
way. I admit, it gets lonely sometimes,
but at least it’s real in its own way. My body and mind go to a different place,
here yet not.
I can feel my feet grip the floor, my toes flex against the
wood. I notice how my surroundings
smell, and I zone out and really taste the food I eat. I notice things that might not seem all that
significant, but for some reason they become the most important things to me,
things like how I am breathing or how everything blends together into a single
memorable moment in my life. I also pay
attention to my thoughts, especially things I don’t understand, like my
feelings or why I can’t seem to figure out what I truly want out of life.
The Bible tells us in John 8:32 “...the truth will set you free,” but though
I search for my own truth, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. I know I
have a higher purpose. I play a part in
God’s grand plan, yet I still can’t figure out how to use the gifts He gave me
to the best of my ability. I feel lost, yet not entirely. God’s light is the only point that makes
sense to me. Though I am only half here
on some days, I still rest in the fact that God is my home. Whenever I feel
disconnected, I can take comfort in that.
